Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
This classic makes the list of 3 dumbest Christmas songs from the very start. You know when Burl Ives almost sing/speaks the “You know Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and Vixen…”
I had to look the lyrics up online to even get that far. Truth is, I don’t know all those reindeer. And most normal people, if given the pop-quiz would not know them either. Then why the heck does he assume we know them as though it’s a given fact that all people know them? And then there’s the real kicker: “But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?”
No. No I don’t. I actually forgot that one. I’m going to need you to help me out. I’m going to need you to sing a full song about him so that I can hopefully remember who he is. I mean, I know he’s the most famous reindeer of all. I know there’s a whole movie dedicated to him. I know he’s the only reindeer we ever really talk about. After all, he is the most famous reindeer of all, but I have no idea who he is. Charlie? Theodore? Andy? I’m lost. No clue. Help please?
Last Christmas
Some bands you can absolutely read by their cover. Wham! is one of them that you already have an idea of what you’re in store for by looking at them. Anyhow, it’s their infamous song “Last Christmas” that wins them a spot on the 3 of the dumbest Christmas songs list.
Here it is: “Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. This year to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special.”
So there’s a few questions I have for them: Last year you were just randomly giving your heart away? Also, how does someone give someone else’s heart away? – I think I’m getting lost. And what gets me is the decision they come to. Ya know what? This year I’m going to change things and give my heart to someone special. Well there’s a novel idea. But I’m pretty sure you thought the person that you wrote this whole song about was special last year. I’m pretty sure they would make the list unless of course they weren’t special at all, in which case why are you singing a whole song for them?
Wham! I demand answers.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
I have nothing against Mommies. I have nothing against kissing. I have nothing against Santa Claus. I do have some real issues though with this song. Here we have a kid singing (rather happily, too) about his mommy kissing Santa Claus and we think it’s cute. Aww, Dad has dressed up as Santa and he and Mommy are playing a little kissy-face on Christmas Eve as they put gifts under the tree. Again, I’m ok with things mostly at this point.
But it all takes a dramatic turn with the very last line of the song. You know what it is. “But I didn’t know…it was Daddy in disguise.”
Wait, wait. Son, young boy, little guy singing this song, you’ve been merrily singing about this kissing session going on in your house on Christmas Eve that you’re so happy about and you didn’t know it was your dad that your mom was kissing? Umm, what is wrong up in your deranged little head that as a child you’re ok with your mommy cheating on your dad?
Are you seriously that greedy that you’re thinking having two daddies and one being Santa Claus may not be that bad?
Child, wherever you are, I’m glad it ended up being your dad after all but I think you really need some counseling.
So I hope you’ve enjoyed this thoughtful reflection on some of the silliest Christmas songs and I’m sorry that I’ve now ruined these songs for you. Haha!